Its almost a year now that I have severed ties with people that I have loved dearly. I do admit that in so many times in between I do still miss them terribly. Life was never the same without them. Without him. Yes, just one particular friend that was closest to my heart. Hearing his voice, our song still gives me tears as I look back and remember how once upon a time- Life was perfect being together.
Sometimes I catch myself drifting and bitching about the Life that I have today. My humanity getting the best of me. I wanted the fun nights, the endless laughter. the endless coffees and beers we had back then. Witty banters, endless conversations-- those were amazing. But just like evrything else, clean fun turned into a disaster in magnanimous proportions.
It was suddenly all fun, just fun. Empty happiness in each otehr's company. Our friendship lost its essence. Friendship turned into companionship, and till came a point that we no longer knew which direction we were taking. I remember being drunk all the time. being sad most of the time. And worst, I was feeling empty all the time. I couldn't save myself then. I was so lost. I was so broken. I was so empty. regardles of what I do, even when I find myself laughing -- it was still painful inside. I would drink myself to sleep, and would refuse to wake up knowing that I didnt really have anything to look forward to. And I thought, that was suppose to be fun, but how come I feel so lonely??? So alone..
Looking back at those times, those nights I know that I'd rather be here than back there. I'd rather be bitching about my the little what-not's that my work brings but hey, I know that me finding my direction led to be where exactly I should be right now. It may not be as exciting. It may not be as crazy. It may not be the same as it was.. Truth is, that's the whole point altogether.
So yeah, I miss those times. I still look back at my friends. peek through their profiles here and there. Couldn't help it really. Missing them is my only defense. But like all great memories, they do deserved to be remembered..
Now.. Back to work..
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Conflicted
Been staring at the damn clock eversince I got to work. Trying to decide between my usual ritual her at work, meaning surfing or blogging, or dozing off.. Damn!!! Dammit to hell really!!! Am too tired and aching all over to even think straight..
I remebered when I was walking to work earlier ( the irony: twas 11pm and now its 3am- so what's "early"??) , thought came rushing to my head like waterfalls. The past weekend has been a whirlwind, relationship-wise. And as early as this week, thing are not shaping up as they should. Pretty disturbing that everything is just routine now. What's more disturbing is that I realize that we are more different than alike. I asked him earlier today if he likes me. He gave me that weird look, and thus I needed to explain myself that I know he loves me but does he LIKE me?? And he responded by saying some yes, some no..
The point of that question is simple. Not all people who love each other like each other. There are pressing differences that cannot be compromised or met half-way but somehow, we all learn to live with it. I dunno if its because of love per say or something else. I dont even know why it bothers me specifically when I know that I don't like him. I love him yes, but I dont necessarily like him. There are moments that he infuriates me. There are moments that I wanna walk out and walk-on. And there are times that he would make my heart melt, make me laugh and I can feel my anger dissipating into thin air. Seriously. At times, I beat myself in the head for tolerating him, like feeling stuck and feeling trapped. JEEEZ!!! Me?!! I do not feel trapped and stuck!!!! I just dont..
We're heading to our 4th month come this weekend. I dont know what to make of it really. There are variables that are clouding my head. Things that are there, although not visible- but they exist. Certain facts that cannot be and should not be denied. And as I've said- it is clouding my head.
(Yosi break)
I found myself missing my old friends. My old bestest friends. I have been missing them for awhile now. One has made the effort to connect or contact, whichever is grammatically correct. but I never knew what to make of it. I missed them for the sole fact that I know who I am when am with them. They never failed to remind me of what and who I am. And that's what kills me now. For this job, for this relationship - I have compromised so much of my self. Moving along measn getting along. well, I don't buy that crap. Really.
I know am not an easy woman to be with. Truth is, I intended it to be that way. I wanna filter through my partner, make sure that he has enough balls to withstand the worst of me. I don't do gifts or favors "test". That's lame really and I can get myself what I need for myself. I never made it easy for anyone really. I'm pleasant to a certain degree, but vicious for the most part. hey, I was raised that way really. Now I get myself to asking more often than convenient, is it really worth losing myself for this. Maybe I have grown old. Maybe I have grown tired of this shinanigan. A whole lot of maybe's..
I am blank. As of this very moment I am blank. Good thing that I do have some things going for me. For awhile it would be best to get along. For the meantime. When I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself. Along with is a wishful thinking that I DO figure it out sooner than later.
"There are two ways to lose yourself. It could be a day at a time, or all at once. In the end, the result is the same" - Dirty Sexy Money
I remebered when I was walking to work earlier ( the irony: twas 11pm and now its 3am- so what's "early"??) , thought came rushing to my head like waterfalls. The past weekend has been a whirlwind, relationship-wise. And as early as this week, thing are not shaping up as they should. Pretty disturbing that everything is just routine now. What's more disturbing is that I realize that we are more different than alike. I asked him earlier today if he likes me. He gave me that weird look, and thus I needed to explain myself that I know he loves me but does he LIKE me?? And he responded by saying some yes, some no..
The point of that question is simple. Not all people who love each other like each other. There are pressing differences that cannot be compromised or met half-way but somehow, we all learn to live with it. I dunno if its because of love per say or something else. I dont even know why it bothers me specifically when I know that I don't like him. I love him yes, but I dont necessarily like him. There are moments that he infuriates me. There are moments that I wanna walk out and walk-on. And there are times that he would make my heart melt, make me laugh and I can feel my anger dissipating into thin air. Seriously. At times, I beat myself in the head for tolerating him, like feeling stuck and feeling trapped. JEEEZ!!! Me?!! I do not feel trapped and stuck!!!! I just dont..
We're heading to our 4th month come this weekend. I dont know what to make of it really. There are variables that are clouding my head. Things that are there, although not visible- but they exist. Certain facts that cannot be and should not be denied. And as I've said- it is clouding my head.
(Yosi break)
I found myself missing my old friends. My old bestest friends. I have been missing them for awhile now. One has made the effort to connect or contact, whichever is grammatically correct. but I never knew what to make of it. I missed them for the sole fact that I know who I am when am with them. They never failed to remind me of what and who I am. And that's what kills me now. For this job, for this relationship - I have compromised so much of my self. Moving along measn getting along. well, I don't buy that crap. Really.
I know am not an easy woman to be with. Truth is, I intended it to be that way. I wanna filter through my partner, make sure that he has enough balls to withstand the worst of me. I don't do gifts or favors "test". That's lame really and I can get myself what I need for myself. I never made it easy for anyone really. I'm pleasant to a certain degree, but vicious for the most part. hey, I was raised that way really. Now I get myself to asking more often than convenient, is it really worth losing myself for this. Maybe I have grown old. Maybe I have grown tired of this shinanigan. A whole lot of maybe's..
I am blank. As of this very moment I am blank. Good thing that I do have some things going for me. For awhile it would be best to get along. For the meantime. When I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself. Along with is a wishful thinking that I DO figure it out sooner than later.
"There are two ways to lose yourself. It could be a day at a time, or all at once. In the end, the result is the same" - Dirty Sexy Money
Monday, February 16, 2009
Reconciliation
Regardless how exhausting the past week has been, including the ever emotional-crappy-shitty Valentine's day, I had to push my ass to get home to celebrate my Mom's bday..
Weird coz I have been stressing how this bday celebration should be. My mom isnt a big party person really, and bdays have alwasy been intimate in our family. But this year, I wanted it to be big. Not population-big, but special-big. You see, my mom and I have had a rough 2007-2008. Well, we've never been that close anywho at any level. I don't really have a relationship with my mother eversince. We never agree on things. Wherever she is, am sure sure to be at the exact, extreme opposite of it. But something about this year is different. Something bigger than me, and that is my Mama.
It's so weird because I find myself misting in the eyes. Im really crying in making this entry and its so weird. I'm not sad, dont get me wrong. I guess I was overwhelmed with gratitude, remembering the past two years that I had it rough. When I got horribly sick, twas my mother who rushed to my side. Twas my mother who juggled work and going to the hospital for me. twas my mother who looked after my kid when I decided to work. Twas my mother who had to bear looking at me everyday I'd go home drunk from all the depression I was going thru. Praying in silence that I get better, wishing that I find my direction. My mother would never speak to me in a scolding manner, coz she knows I'd retaliate with all my might. I know. I know. Its inconsiderate to be that way, but be that as it may- let's just say thats she's still my mother and I am still her daughter.
I feel bad when her students, who happens to be close friends of mine say that she's unappreciated by us. That we dont acknowledge her. Well, every family has its moment. Every family is dysfunctional in their own creative manner and I guess, this is our dynfunctionality. It hurts not because our laundry is out, but more of the fact that we can't seem to connect in what is pleasant or not. My brother and I have made all possible efforts to please her but she don't see it that way.. Till the point came that we stopped trying.
Last weekend was our celebration of her birthday, since it fell on a Tuesday and I can't make for it then. So I hustled to buy cake from the bacolod famous Calea, lugged it to the pier and all the way to Robinson's Iloilo- to buy ingredients for pasta. Funny thing is, I have never been this eager. Period. Debating between eating in or out, my brother and I - along with the weather being horrendous (twas rainy silly?!!) still couldn't make up our minds on what would be best.
We ended having steak dinner, and me cooking pasta the next day.. twas nice really, twas light and pleasant.. And rewarding in many ways I couldn't begin to explain.
I just wanna say thank you Ma, for the things that I've learned in your behalf. I have struggled to succeed wher you have failed. I believe that we should learn from each other, and I have in so many of ways. I thank you for being there, for everything. And just when you think you are unappreciated, remember that I wouldn't have fought Death itself if I knew deep down in my heart you'd be okay on your own.
Happy Birthday Mama.. Thank You for being my mother..
Weird coz I have been stressing how this bday celebration should be. My mom isnt a big party person really, and bdays have alwasy been intimate in our family. But this year, I wanted it to be big. Not population-big, but special-big. You see, my mom and I have had a rough 2007-2008. Well, we've never been that close anywho at any level. I don't really have a relationship with my mother eversince. We never agree on things. Wherever she is, am sure sure to be at the exact, extreme opposite of it. But something about this year is different. Something bigger than me, and that is my Mama.
It's so weird because I find myself misting in the eyes. Im really crying in making this entry and its so weird. I'm not sad, dont get me wrong. I guess I was overwhelmed with gratitude, remembering the past two years that I had it rough. When I got horribly sick, twas my mother who rushed to my side. Twas my mother who juggled work and going to the hospital for me. twas my mother who looked after my kid when I decided to work. Twas my mother who had to bear looking at me everyday I'd go home drunk from all the depression I was going thru. Praying in silence that I get better, wishing that I find my direction. My mother would never speak to me in a scolding manner, coz she knows I'd retaliate with all my might. I know. I know. Its inconsiderate to be that way, but be that as it may- let's just say thats she's still my mother and I am still her daughter.
I feel bad when her students, who happens to be close friends of mine say that she's unappreciated by us. That we dont acknowledge her. Well, every family has its moment. Every family is dysfunctional in their own creative manner and I guess, this is our dynfunctionality. It hurts not because our laundry is out, but more of the fact that we can't seem to connect in what is pleasant or not. My brother and I have made all possible efforts to please her but she don't see it that way.. Till the point came that we stopped trying.
Last weekend was our celebration of her birthday, since it fell on a Tuesday and I can't make for it then. So I hustled to buy cake from the bacolod famous Calea, lugged it to the pier and all the way to Robinson's Iloilo- to buy ingredients for pasta. Funny thing is, I have never been this eager. Period. Debating between eating in or out, my brother and I - along with the weather being horrendous (twas rainy silly?!!) still couldn't make up our minds on what would be best.
We ended having steak dinner, and me cooking pasta the next day.. twas nice really, twas light and pleasant.. And rewarding in many ways I couldn't begin to explain.
I just wanna say thank you Ma, for the things that I've learned in your behalf. I have struggled to succeed wher you have failed. I believe that we should learn from each other, and I have in so many of ways. I thank you for being there, for everything. And just when you think you are unappreciated, remember that I wouldn't have fought Death itself if I knew deep down in my heart you'd be okay on your own.
Happy Birthday Mama.. Thank You for being my mother..
Friday, February 13, 2009
Beinte Singko
Tagged by Batchoy Boi, here are the 25 random things about me.. I was suppose to drop by his blog and say happy hearts day pero ayun, na tag pa tuloy ako.
So here goes nothing...
Hmmmm..
25) I love my short hair. I always had. Since I was a kid, I was more at ease with shorter, boyish type hair. Even the infamous "apple look" back then was my main fashion do until I reach elementary years then nauso na ang bangs-bangs.. Then the '80s kicked in with the teased hair and spray net. But Ive always wanted my hair short. And most of my friends would agree I look better in it.
24) I love flip-flops. Seriously. I can and will adjust any piece of clothing or ensemble just to go with flip-flops. But mind you, I don't do the whole Havaianas frenzy. Regular or the cheapest flip-flops can and will do wonders just the same. My favorite flip-flops to date was my Nike women flip-flops/sandal. Really cute, black and pink all over. And really expensive too.. hahahaha
23) I love Green Peas!!!! No, am not the environment advocate group but the "manong-on-sikad-nga-galibod" green peas.. Twas really cute how I stumbled into it. Nauso sya nung late elementary years ko na. I remember I had to save money to buy the 10 grams I think.. Or was it 20grams?? It cost 15 pesos at that time hahahahahaha mahal na yun nung kapanahunan ko..
The manong had an interesting vending "triska". Parang hagdanan na gumugulong. Then with the matching beach umbrella para di sya mainitan then the pink kitchen weighing scale to accurately measure the tinda. But anywho, green peas girl me talaga..
22) I love Central Market. To me that is where most of my childhood fondest memories came from. The food, the native coffee, the Sunday after-mass ritual.. As in.. But for most parts, I love Central Market coz it reminds me of all the great times my Papa and I had. For the record, he knows where to find the best cooked food in there!!! Go fig..
21) I love shoes!! particularly Dress boots, performance shoes (e.g. Nike) and believe it or not- pumps!! I have always wanted to have shoes like the great Meldy. And recently nung yumaman na nang konti ( konti lang!!!!) ayun, nang hoard ng sapatos. To date, I have bought 13 pairs of shoes. My fave-- my kick ass bitching boots!!!!
20) I love Watches.. Addict ako sa Swatch dati. as in every year may pinadadala si Mama pinaka latest model ng Swatch. Umabot pa sa point na may inuwi syang relo na walang minute or display. Talagang blanko yung mukha ng watch. I remember that watch fully kasi may nagtanung ng oras sakin. Sagot ko-- I DONT KNOW!!! hahahahahahaha Till nauso yung mga P150 watches. Bili ako every chance na magkapera kaya ayun, nalunod ang kwarto ko sa dami ng relo..
19) I love Cellphones. Especially yung mga kakaiba yung hitsura. I dont like Nokia btw. Di ako sumasali sa usong yun. Maka Sony Ericsson, Motorola ako. Kahit andami ko nang phone, still can't help myself sa pagbili. Right now, am using HTC Touch Diamond. Astig ang hitsura, fully loaded with dual sim both active.. The catch.. WALANG KEYPAD AMPUCHA!!! so hirap magtext ang lolah nyu..
18) I love Talaba!!! weird but I use to hate this. Kadiri kasi tingnan. Its phlegm-like and hilaw pa. Or poached lang and drama. But I had it, for the sake na di makantyawan then its was talaba all the way na. For the record, nakaubos ako ng kalahating sako nito, or aprrox that much nung birthday ng best friend ko hahahahahaha and I dont eat it with rice.. Yun ang mas baduy for me hahahahahahahaha
17) I love UK or ukay-ukay!!! pero dito lang sa Bacolod. Mehn!! The clothes are amazing and super mura. Now looking good made more affordable. Seriously, there are treasures among the garbage. Designers pa talaga yung iba like the skirt I had last week. Authentic Burberry skirt sya. As in major kilatis and yes, totoo sya.. Feels great to be able to project outside what you feel inside. Sisiw na lang mag power suits for me sa office. Although it is always the person who makes the clothes, not the clothes making the person. Yun nga lang, sa sobrang hilig di ko na alam kung san ko ilalagay mga damit ko and worst, MAHAL MAGPA LAUNDRY!!!
16) I love Tattoos. Seryoso. Even before fascinated ako sa skin art.. I use to follow Miami Ink pa ksi there is a whole new world that has risen from the once condemned art. Tedious yung craft na to if you are the artist and rewarding ang experience if you do get one. Like me.
15) I love Movies. hmmmmmmmm....... who doesnt really?? Di ako picky sa klase nang movie but I do admire independent movies more than the commercial ones. Mas maangas ang approach kasi. Mas totoo. And lalamat talaga sa kaluluwa mo especially kung malapit sa buhay mo ang storyline.
14) I love nighttime. Nocturnal talaga ako or mahilig sa dilim. I dont know which is more dominant in me. Loving the night or loving the darkness. It empowers me somehow, mas buhay ako and my senses kung madilim na or gabi na. Not that I hate the sun or anything, but when the velvet sky cloaks the Earth parang nagmomorph ako into someone else... nyehehehehehehe
13) I love pagakin!!! and everything else that goes with it. Cooking, fine dining and the actual eating itself is fullfilling talaga. Not just for nourishment purposes but cooking relaxes me. Knowing the recipe thrills me and eating out or fine dining enriches my awareness on diff cooking styles. My Papa tells me that dining is like travelling to where the food originated. There is culture and tradition to how every dish is made. kaya for the mean time na di ka afford nang lola magtravel, pagkain muna ang ikakarir..
12) Which brings me to Travelling.. I love to travel every chance I get especially kung biglaan pa. Adventure to the hilt and liberates your soul. Before, I would pay for fare to anywhere. Fare for the boat, fare for the bus and just get lost somewhere. Within the Philippines ko pa lang nagagawa, but I hope to do the same someday sa buong mundo..
11) I love literature.. reading it, writing, the whole nine yards of it and then some. I love reading John Grisham, Patricia Cornwell, Joseph Finder.. Bottomline, I like suspense thrillers.. the latest I read was Angels and Demons and I was so moved by it. I like writing as well and duh, blogging syempre.. I use to have a journal with me. Still do pero effort na masyado ang magsulat. Dont get me wrong though, am not the literary master or to that effect. I simply like to articulate my thoughts. Clutter brain kasi ako and writing it down somehow gives me perspective. Mas namamanage ko ang thoughts ko that way. In the same effect that I adore reading other people's blog. It helps you see things in their eyes.. It helps you eveolve as a person by having such intimate knowledge of their inner selves. That's what I love most about blogging really.. Public sya in a sense but intimate by nature kasi naglalabasan ang pagkatao ng mga bloggers. Kewl huh?!!
10) Music. Syempre. Hello?!! Love na Love ko music. Sa pagkanta, sa pagsayaw - winner aketch!!! hahahahahahaha Self-procalimed singer ako. Feeling ko angaling galing ko pero tse!!! Opinion ko yun noh?!! hahahahahaha Videoke Queen aketch. Not because I sing well (which I don't elow?!!) but because antapang kon na umakyat ng stage at ubusin ang kahihiyan ko sa madlang tao... Feels good though, promise. Released lahat ng inhibitions mo, tas masaya ang lahat dahil either natatawa sila or natutuwa.. But dancing on the other hand, is my cup of tea.. I was blessed with dancing feet or better yet happy feet. I can dance as long there is music, rythmn and beat.. So you think you can dance??
9) Coffee. Kape. Masarap. Mainit. Paborito... Sounds like a cheap coffee commercial but there is nothing cheap with my fascination for coffee. This beverage has evolved into a lifestyle that is by far my favorite. Having coffee is so intimate. Whether this is consumed alone or with company, its interesting ti note that conversation comes naturally. Even when one is alone, notice nyu yung bigla kayong nagmumuni muni. May naaalala bigla or nagcontemplate bigla. Plus, the best part of it is that enjoy ang company kasi walang nalalasing, walang nagwawala at walang nageemote to death hahahahahahahahaha
8) Kaaway ng kape: TULOG!! pero love ko matulog. As in. And am pretty territorial about it as well. Bawal akong gisingin kung tulog. No-no talaga yun and people around me has grown to appreciate me that way. naexperience na ksi nila kung ano ako kamaldita pag walang tulog. Daig ko pa ang buang kung magreact. But more over, I love to sleep kasi I know I deserve to give my mind a break. Pahinga ng utak ang habol ko talaga. I believe kasi na matalas ang taong may tulog kahit gutom kaysa sa taong busog na walang tulog. And if allowed, I can sleep for 10 hours straight without a headache.. tsaka sleeping is good for the skin.. Way better than Dra. Belo's treatment.
7) Conversation. I love talking to other people. Pero intelligent people or at least knows what common sense is.. Witty banter is my favorite. Okrayan to the max ang masaya. You can see so much in a person by the way they talk or they address their thought. Again articulation, vocabulary says more than what you need to know about a person. Gusto ko rin yung random exhange of ideas, then reacting to it. Orgasmic yung ganung feeling.
6) I love Individuality. I like peopel who are not afraid of their own gaddamn shadows!! Yung iba parang hypochondriac ang drama, yung iba sobrang insecure. Mahilig ako sa characters, sa mga sariling katayuan at paninindigan. These kind of people challenges you really. While most of us wants to conform, it is still important to find a piece of yourself na ikaw at ikaw lang ang ganun. Knowing yourself, knowing where you stand makes it easier for you to breath. Coz that way, you realize that you are breathing for yourself. You are not breathing for others' sake. Di ako mahilig magstereotype. Napaka bobo nang ganung ugali really. On top of the fact na hindi naman natin kilala lahat ng tao sa mundo, mas hindi natin alam ang dahilan kung baket sila ganun. I dont like pointing fingers, passing blame. For me, mas diverse mas better..
5) I love Angelina Jolie. As in. Its all in, including the fake boobs but who the hell cares?!!! I mean, its her!!! Its Angelina Jolie-Pitt.. Imagine, Brad Pitt ang ipitt ipitt sayo gabi gabi?!!
4) I love sweating. Anything physical that pushes my body to sweat is heaven for me. Notice nyu mahilig ako sa orgasmic experiences.. lahat release. Lahat labas, pati kaluluwa.. In relation to it, mas maraming endorphins ang lumalabas making your disposition better. mas happy and magaan ang pakiramdam pag nagpawis..
3) I love UP DILIMAN!!!! This is where I wanted to spend college nung nasa high school pa ako. It was make it or break it situation. And I am so thankful na I made it.. Hindi mahirap mahalin ang institutsyung ito. Lahat nang klase ng pagaaral ay matutunan mo dito. Mali man or tama- ang punto is natuto ka. Miss ko nang bumalik dun and umupo sa klase ulit.. Babalik din ako dun para bumisita balang araw.. Wala nang dadaig pa. Malayang kaisipan sa malayang pamantasan. Peyups. Nagiisa.
2) Mahal ko ang pagkababae ko. And I love how over the years women have involved. Made their mark to society. I love women empowerment. Women who encourages and helps other women. I believe that women have the biggest responsibility and the heaviest responsibility to mankind. We create the future, we nurture our future and we have the capacity to change the world if we see fit. Ang tibay ng isang pamilya ay nasa tibay ng loob and kalinga ng isa ina. Mahal ko ang pagkababae ko at lahat ay gagawin ko para mapangalagaan ito pati ng mga mahal ko. . I know it sound s a bit extreme but not really to be honest. Its just that i am happy what I am and who I am. A woman top of everything else.. And I love other women has devoted their lives for this cause.. To stop the abuse sa kapwa nila babae..
1) DAMON. I love my kid far more than words can describe. So ayan, kaya far more than words can describe ksi di nga madescribe?!!!!! Dugo ng aking dugo. Laman ng aking laman.. nagmana din yan sakin sa kakulitan.. hahahahahahahahaha
There you have it, the 25 things about me.. In fairness, dito ako napagod at hindi sa trabaho ko.. Sana naman ay naaliw ko kayo..
End of Shit....este Shift pala.. Log out na.. Tse!!!!
So here goes nothing...
Hmmmm..
25) I love my short hair. I always had. Since I was a kid, I was more at ease with shorter, boyish type hair. Even the infamous "apple look" back then was my main fashion do until I reach elementary years then nauso na ang bangs-bangs.. Then the '80s kicked in with the teased hair and spray net. But Ive always wanted my hair short. And most of my friends would agree I look better in it.
24) I love flip-flops. Seriously. I can and will adjust any piece of clothing or ensemble just to go with flip-flops. But mind you, I don't do the whole Havaianas frenzy. Regular or the cheapest flip-flops can and will do wonders just the same. My favorite flip-flops to date was my Nike women flip-flops/sandal. Really cute, black and pink all over. And really expensive too.. hahahaha
23) I love Green Peas!!!! No, am not the environment advocate group but the "manong-on-sikad-nga-galibod" green peas.. Twas really cute how I stumbled into it. Nauso sya nung late elementary years ko na. I remember I had to save money to buy the 10 grams I think.. Or was it 20grams?? It cost 15 pesos at that time hahahahahaha mahal na yun nung kapanahunan ko..
The manong had an interesting vending "triska". Parang hagdanan na gumugulong. Then with the matching beach umbrella para di sya mainitan then the pink kitchen weighing scale to accurately measure the tinda. But anywho, green peas girl me talaga..
22) I love Central Market. To me that is where most of my childhood fondest memories came from. The food, the native coffee, the Sunday after-mass ritual.. As in.. But for most parts, I love Central Market coz it reminds me of all the great times my Papa and I had. For the record, he knows where to find the best cooked food in there!!! Go fig..
21) I love shoes!! particularly Dress boots, performance shoes (e.g. Nike) and believe it or not- pumps!! I have always wanted to have shoes like the great Meldy. And recently nung yumaman na nang konti ( konti lang!!!!) ayun, nang hoard ng sapatos. To date, I have bought 13 pairs of shoes. My fave-- my kick ass bitching boots!!!!
20) I love Watches.. Addict ako sa Swatch dati. as in every year may pinadadala si Mama pinaka latest model ng Swatch. Umabot pa sa point na may inuwi syang relo na walang minute or display. Talagang blanko yung mukha ng watch. I remember that watch fully kasi may nagtanung ng oras sakin. Sagot ko-- I DONT KNOW!!! hahahahahahaha Till nauso yung mga P150 watches. Bili ako every chance na magkapera kaya ayun, nalunod ang kwarto ko sa dami ng relo..
19) I love Cellphones. Especially yung mga kakaiba yung hitsura. I dont like Nokia btw. Di ako sumasali sa usong yun. Maka Sony Ericsson, Motorola ako. Kahit andami ko nang phone, still can't help myself sa pagbili. Right now, am using HTC Touch Diamond. Astig ang hitsura, fully loaded with dual sim both active.. The catch.. WALANG KEYPAD AMPUCHA!!! so hirap magtext ang lolah nyu..
18) I love Talaba!!! weird but I use to hate this. Kadiri kasi tingnan. Its phlegm-like and hilaw pa. Or poached lang and drama. But I had it, for the sake na di makantyawan then its was talaba all the way na. For the record, nakaubos ako ng kalahating sako nito, or aprrox that much nung birthday ng best friend ko hahahahahaha and I dont eat it with rice.. Yun ang mas baduy for me hahahahahahahaha
17) I love UK or ukay-ukay!!! pero dito lang sa Bacolod. Mehn!! The clothes are amazing and super mura. Now looking good made more affordable. Seriously, there are treasures among the garbage. Designers pa talaga yung iba like the skirt I had last week. Authentic Burberry skirt sya. As in major kilatis and yes, totoo sya.. Feels great to be able to project outside what you feel inside. Sisiw na lang mag power suits for me sa office. Although it is always the person who makes the clothes, not the clothes making the person. Yun nga lang, sa sobrang hilig di ko na alam kung san ko ilalagay mga damit ko and worst, MAHAL MAGPA LAUNDRY!!!
16) I love Tattoos. Seryoso. Even before fascinated ako sa skin art.. I use to follow Miami Ink pa ksi there is a whole new world that has risen from the once condemned art. Tedious yung craft na to if you are the artist and rewarding ang experience if you do get one. Like me.
15) I love Movies. hmmmmmmmm....... who doesnt really?? Di ako picky sa klase nang movie but I do admire independent movies more than the commercial ones. Mas maangas ang approach kasi. Mas totoo. And lalamat talaga sa kaluluwa mo especially kung malapit sa buhay mo ang storyline.
14) I love nighttime. Nocturnal talaga ako or mahilig sa dilim. I dont know which is more dominant in me. Loving the night or loving the darkness. It empowers me somehow, mas buhay ako and my senses kung madilim na or gabi na. Not that I hate the sun or anything, but when the velvet sky cloaks the Earth parang nagmomorph ako into someone else... nyehehehehehehe
13) I love pagakin!!! and everything else that goes with it. Cooking, fine dining and the actual eating itself is fullfilling talaga. Not just for nourishment purposes but cooking relaxes me. Knowing the recipe thrills me and eating out or fine dining enriches my awareness on diff cooking styles. My Papa tells me that dining is like travelling to where the food originated. There is culture and tradition to how every dish is made. kaya for the mean time na di ka afford nang lola magtravel, pagkain muna ang ikakarir..
12) Which brings me to Travelling.. I love to travel every chance I get especially kung biglaan pa. Adventure to the hilt and liberates your soul. Before, I would pay for fare to anywhere. Fare for the boat, fare for the bus and just get lost somewhere. Within the Philippines ko pa lang nagagawa, but I hope to do the same someday sa buong mundo..
11) I love literature.. reading it, writing, the whole nine yards of it and then some. I love reading John Grisham, Patricia Cornwell, Joseph Finder.. Bottomline, I like suspense thrillers.. the latest I read was Angels and Demons and I was so moved by it. I like writing as well and duh, blogging syempre.. I use to have a journal with me. Still do pero effort na masyado ang magsulat. Dont get me wrong though, am not the literary master or to that effect. I simply like to articulate my thoughts. Clutter brain kasi ako and writing it down somehow gives me perspective. Mas namamanage ko ang thoughts ko that way. In the same effect that I adore reading other people's blog. It helps you see things in their eyes.. It helps you eveolve as a person by having such intimate knowledge of their inner selves. That's what I love most about blogging really.. Public sya in a sense but intimate by nature kasi naglalabasan ang pagkatao ng mga bloggers. Kewl huh?!!
10) Music. Syempre. Hello?!! Love na Love ko music. Sa pagkanta, sa pagsayaw - winner aketch!!! hahahahahahaha Self-procalimed singer ako. Feeling ko angaling galing ko pero tse!!! Opinion ko yun noh?!! hahahahahaha Videoke Queen aketch. Not because I sing well (which I don't elow?!!) but because antapang kon na umakyat ng stage at ubusin ang kahihiyan ko sa madlang tao... Feels good though, promise. Released lahat ng inhibitions mo, tas masaya ang lahat dahil either natatawa sila or natutuwa.. But dancing on the other hand, is my cup of tea.. I was blessed with dancing feet or better yet happy feet. I can dance as long there is music, rythmn and beat.. So you think you can dance??
9) Coffee. Kape. Masarap. Mainit. Paborito... Sounds like a cheap coffee commercial but there is nothing cheap with my fascination for coffee. This beverage has evolved into a lifestyle that is by far my favorite. Having coffee is so intimate. Whether this is consumed alone or with company, its interesting ti note that conversation comes naturally. Even when one is alone, notice nyu yung bigla kayong nagmumuni muni. May naaalala bigla or nagcontemplate bigla. Plus, the best part of it is that enjoy ang company kasi walang nalalasing, walang nagwawala at walang nageemote to death hahahahahahahahaha
8) Kaaway ng kape: TULOG!! pero love ko matulog. As in. And am pretty territorial about it as well. Bawal akong gisingin kung tulog. No-no talaga yun and people around me has grown to appreciate me that way. naexperience na ksi nila kung ano ako kamaldita pag walang tulog. Daig ko pa ang buang kung magreact. But more over, I love to sleep kasi I know I deserve to give my mind a break. Pahinga ng utak ang habol ko talaga. I believe kasi na matalas ang taong may tulog kahit gutom kaysa sa taong busog na walang tulog. And if allowed, I can sleep for 10 hours straight without a headache.. tsaka sleeping is good for the skin.. Way better than Dra. Belo's treatment.
7) Conversation. I love talking to other people. Pero intelligent people or at least knows what common sense is.. Witty banter is my favorite. Okrayan to the max ang masaya. You can see so much in a person by the way they talk or they address their thought. Again articulation, vocabulary says more than what you need to know about a person. Gusto ko rin yung random exhange of ideas, then reacting to it. Orgasmic yung ganung feeling.
6) I love Individuality. I like peopel who are not afraid of their own gaddamn shadows!! Yung iba parang hypochondriac ang drama, yung iba sobrang insecure. Mahilig ako sa characters, sa mga sariling katayuan at paninindigan. These kind of people challenges you really. While most of us wants to conform, it is still important to find a piece of yourself na ikaw at ikaw lang ang ganun. Knowing yourself, knowing where you stand makes it easier for you to breath. Coz that way, you realize that you are breathing for yourself. You are not breathing for others' sake. Di ako mahilig magstereotype. Napaka bobo nang ganung ugali really. On top of the fact na hindi naman natin kilala lahat ng tao sa mundo, mas hindi natin alam ang dahilan kung baket sila ganun. I dont like pointing fingers, passing blame. For me, mas diverse mas better..
5) I love Angelina Jolie. As in. Its all in, including the fake boobs but who the hell cares?!!! I mean, its her!!! Its Angelina Jolie-Pitt.. Imagine, Brad Pitt ang ipitt ipitt sayo gabi gabi?!!
4) I love sweating. Anything physical that pushes my body to sweat is heaven for me. Notice nyu mahilig ako sa orgasmic experiences.. lahat release. Lahat labas, pati kaluluwa.. In relation to it, mas maraming endorphins ang lumalabas making your disposition better. mas happy and magaan ang pakiramdam pag nagpawis..
3) I love UP DILIMAN!!!! This is where I wanted to spend college nung nasa high school pa ako. It was make it or break it situation. And I am so thankful na I made it.. Hindi mahirap mahalin ang institutsyung ito. Lahat nang klase ng pagaaral ay matutunan mo dito. Mali man or tama- ang punto is natuto ka. Miss ko nang bumalik dun and umupo sa klase ulit.. Babalik din ako dun para bumisita balang araw.. Wala nang dadaig pa. Malayang kaisipan sa malayang pamantasan. Peyups. Nagiisa.
2) Mahal ko ang pagkababae ko. And I love how over the years women have involved. Made their mark to society. I love women empowerment. Women who encourages and helps other women. I believe that women have the biggest responsibility and the heaviest responsibility to mankind. We create the future, we nurture our future and we have the capacity to change the world if we see fit. Ang tibay ng isang pamilya ay nasa tibay ng loob and kalinga ng isa ina. Mahal ko ang pagkababae ko at lahat ay gagawin ko para mapangalagaan ito pati ng mga mahal ko. . I know it sound s a bit extreme but not really to be honest. Its just that i am happy what I am and who I am. A woman top of everything else.. And I love other women has devoted their lives for this cause.. To stop the abuse sa kapwa nila babae..
1) DAMON. I love my kid far more than words can describe. So ayan, kaya far more than words can describe ksi di nga madescribe?!!!!! Dugo ng aking dugo. Laman ng aking laman.. nagmana din yan sakin sa kakulitan.. hahahahahahahahaha
There you have it, the 25 things about me.. In fairness, dito ako napagod at hindi sa trabaho ko.. Sana naman ay naaliw ko kayo..
End of Shit....este Shift pala.. Log out na.. Tse!!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Color Me Blessed
It's my 2nd to the last shit of the week.. pardon the French but that's what we call shifts in our line of work. It has been pretty breezy this week. Had it's moments of hustle and times when you can finish an entire archive of blogs. But what's interesting this week is the chain of events that has transpired and yet to happen in the near future.
Lemme backtrack a week ago. Like a bolt of lightning I got sick again!! For the nth time, I can't keep track of all the medications that I have induced for the past 3mos alone.. And then again, got sick with Amoebiasis no less!!! I was constipated, bloated, feverish and what have you for an entire week.. Twas the most disgusting feeling ever. On top of everything, I had to miss work for two days.. Total bummer.. What concerned me the most though, is not getting paid for those two days, on top of the fact that we get deducted with allowances if you're not at work. With all the purchases I have mad recently, it will burn my pockets to the ground..
But how fortunate I am that in the same 15days, we were made to sign to render over time for work up to 3hours... YEAHBAH!!! a blessing indeed, if I may.. Not to sound materialistic but it is quite a comeback from two days of missing work..
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Not that am justifying my shortcomings, but still I can't shake off the fact that this is still a redemption point for me. And these oppurtunities doesn't happen all the time. Especially in such a timing fashion. You see, not only the pay gets affected in our line of work. Certain criterias do suffer tragically if we dont report. Scorecards are affected by these. That's why one can say call center agents are indeed slaves to the phone. Every minute counts, as in really counts because we get paid in such manner- per minute..
Im overwhelmed I guess, because for quite sometime now I have been guilty of bitching about work. How much it sucks and I wanna quit. But with all the events that has transpired, this job never seizes to amaze me. Just when one thinks everything is screwed, it makes a full 360 degree turn that makes one grateful to be here. So the cliche goes, when the going gets tough-the tough get going..
So color me blessed.. For the nth time I know that these are but one of the many reasons why I am here. And that I should be grateful that I have a job. That this job fuels my Life. It enables me to do the things I want for myself and the people I care about. It also gives me self-worth. Being productive and doing something. Working. As an able individual should.. It'll be a long way from here, but note to self: SUCK IT UP!!!!
Lemme backtrack a week ago. Like a bolt of lightning I got sick again!! For the nth time, I can't keep track of all the medications that I have induced for the past 3mos alone.. And then again, got sick with Amoebiasis no less!!! I was constipated, bloated, feverish and what have you for an entire week.. Twas the most disgusting feeling ever. On top of everything, I had to miss work for two days.. Total bummer.. What concerned me the most though, is not getting paid for those two days, on top of the fact that we get deducted with allowances if you're not at work. With all the purchases I have mad recently, it will burn my pockets to the ground..
But how fortunate I am that in the same 15days, we were made to sign to render over time for work up to 3hours... YEAHBAH!!! a blessing indeed, if I may.. Not to sound materialistic but it is quite a comeback from two days of missing work..
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Not that am justifying my shortcomings, but still I can't shake off the fact that this is still a redemption point for me. And these oppurtunities doesn't happen all the time. Especially in such a timing fashion. You see, not only the pay gets affected in our line of work. Certain criterias do suffer tragically if we dont report. Scorecards are affected by these. That's why one can say call center agents are indeed slaves to the phone. Every minute counts, as in really counts because we get paid in such manner- per minute..
Im overwhelmed I guess, because for quite sometime now I have been guilty of bitching about work. How much it sucks and I wanna quit. But with all the events that has transpired, this job never seizes to amaze me. Just when one thinks everything is screwed, it makes a full 360 degree turn that makes one grateful to be here. So the cliche goes, when the going gets tough-the tough get going..
So color me blessed.. For the nth time I know that these are but one of the many reasons why I am here. And that I should be grateful that I have a job. That this job fuels my Life. It enables me to do the things I want for myself and the people I care about. It also gives me self-worth. Being productive and doing something. Working. As an able individual should.. It'll be a long way from here, but note to self: SUCK IT UP!!!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Eat Your Goddamn Heart Out
I pride mysylef with so many things I couldn't keep track anymore. I have great friends, I have a great job (well, pays well really), great relationship (mehn, the sex is FANTABOLOUS!!!) and a great family- as the cherry on top of the fabulous ice cream that is Life. And generally, such fabulousness has followers.. hahahahahahahaha
Its not making sense really, the entry I mean. Because the author is having conflicts with the content altogether. The conflict is that the people in focus are a bunch of LOSERS!!! Well, am only pertaining to two people really. But yeah, LOSERS just the same. Its mind-blowing to know that if the variables that surrounded me then were different by just that bit, I could have ended up like THEM!! At that point, I would simply kill my son and myself in the process. Because what these two pigs do makes me sick to the gut..
Back to the entry.. I remember being young once. With a kid at that. I was 21, and to me that is still young. I started having sex when I was 16, twas no fun then really. Let's just say that it wasn't the right time then for me to engage in such activity. But oh well.. Anywho, the primary difference is that I have a LIFE. Back then and kicking until now. I travelled a lot back then, engaged with a sport touring the beautiful provinces of the Philippines. I was addicted to adrenalin. To competition and to winning. I met lots of people that at that early point, I didnt even realize how I was slowly expanding my networks. I was and still am very independent. No one can and would pin me down.. Hmmm.. Unless i want them too.. Hahahahahahahahaha
Wait. Im losing track again. I guess the very gist of this entry is simply to say "Eat your fucking heart out!!!!" simply to send a message that I remind them of what they are not. First of which, to hide behind a man to preserve whatever dignity and decency left in their system. To convince their selves that their relationship makes them complete and happy. How can that be?? One is on a safety-net relationship (the guy knocked her off so she's safe coz she's not disgrasyada.. Elow?!!) and one is on a dillusional realtionship (affair with a married man. Duh?!! need I explain further?!!) Seriously now. I wish I can feel sorry for them but in the end, I can see that they brought it upon themselves.
Dont get me wrong here. Am not exactly the beacon of morality here. And I don't want that responsibility rest assured. And am not claiming to be of flawless character either. I have my share of indescretions- plenty of them actually. But I have enough sense in me not to place judgement on others at mere triviality. My mind says, I'm sorry but really am NOT!! I'm not sorry that I don't empathize with them. I'm not sorry that I think low of them. Because they are.
Character molds with experience. And it defines their descision making process. And I am not sorry that I chose to take care of myself. Chose to actually have an education. Chose my battles well and chose to be me. To be good in what I am and what I stand for. This is not one of those rebel without a cause- angst driven entries. I just know better than them. I know that I have a responsibility to myself, to my family and especially to my son.
And at this point, I TRULLY feel sorry for them. Couldn't realize logic even when it hit them right between the eyes. Funny now really.. I wanted to rant and rant about my resume in Life when in the end, what for??? they just met me NOW and still they can't get me..
How much more in my finest hour????
Its not making sense really, the entry I mean. Because the author is having conflicts with the content altogether. The conflict is that the people in focus are a bunch of LOSERS!!! Well, am only pertaining to two people really. But yeah, LOSERS just the same. Its mind-blowing to know that if the variables that surrounded me then were different by just that bit, I could have ended up like THEM!! At that point, I would simply kill my son and myself in the process. Because what these two pigs do makes me sick to the gut..
Back to the entry.. I remember being young once. With a kid at that. I was 21, and to me that is still young. I started having sex when I was 16, twas no fun then really. Let's just say that it wasn't the right time then for me to engage in such activity. But oh well.. Anywho, the primary difference is that I have a LIFE. Back then and kicking until now. I travelled a lot back then, engaged with a sport touring the beautiful provinces of the Philippines. I was addicted to adrenalin. To competition and to winning. I met lots of people that at that early point, I didnt even realize how I was slowly expanding my networks. I was and still am very independent. No one can and would pin me down.. Hmmm.. Unless i want them too.. Hahahahahahahahaha
Wait. Im losing track again. I guess the very gist of this entry is simply to say "Eat your fucking heart out!!!!" simply to send a message that I remind them of what they are not. First of which, to hide behind a man to preserve whatever dignity and decency left in their system. To convince their selves that their relationship makes them complete and happy. How can that be?? One is on a safety-net relationship (the guy knocked her off so she's safe coz she's not disgrasyada.. Elow?!!) and one is on a dillusional realtionship (affair with a married man. Duh?!! need I explain further?!!) Seriously now. I wish I can feel sorry for them but in the end, I can see that they brought it upon themselves.
Dont get me wrong here. Am not exactly the beacon of morality here. And I don't want that responsibility rest assured. And am not claiming to be of flawless character either. I have my share of indescretions- plenty of them actually. But I have enough sense in me not to place judgement on others at mere triviality. My mind says, I'm sorry but really am NOT!! I'm not sorry that I don't empathize with them. I'm not sorry that I think low of them. Because they are.
Character molds with experience. And it defines their descision making process. And I am not sorry that I chose to take care of myself. Chose to actually have an education. Chose my battles well and chose to be me. To be good in what I am and what I stand for. This is not one of those rebel without a cause- angst driven entries. I just know better than them. I know that I have a responsibility to myself, to my family and especially to my son.
And at this point, I TRULLY feel sorry for them. Couldn't realize logic even when it hit them right between the eyes. Funny now really.. I wanted to rant and rant about my resume in Life when in the end, what for??? they just met me NOW and still they can't get me..
How much more in my finest hour????
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Alone.
No.
This isn't related to the song that has been, needless to say, been barraging every music stations and videoke bars all over the nation.
No.
This isn't related to the upcoming over-rated yet pathetically irrelevant event they call Valentines. ( duh?!! what gives with all the cherubs, roses and everything else?!!)
This is about Individuality. Too deep maybe, but the inspiration for this entry came about just couple of minutes ago when I found myself alone. Alone when I woke up, when I went to work, when I am at work and so on..
Then it hit me. The solitude of being, my thoughts going to places that I haven't been to in a while. Undisturb by company or idle talk. The beauty of it, the power of it. Brings chills to my skin just thinking about it. Now, I find myself smiling, almost snickering really.. Finding pleasure in my own little world.
I found myself unhappy for the past days. For the reasons that I can't even begin to enumerate. I have always thought that moving ahead meant something better. That going further elates the spirit. Well, I did move and went further, geographically speaking but still, found myself questioning " Is this it?".. yes, I 'm in a different location. Different environment. The challenge it brought back then was addicting, overwhelming even but when the adrenalin wore off - there wasn't much after.
I have always prided myself with the fact that I couldn't be boxed in. In any given situation. May that be in a job or a different point of view. I stand my ground no matter what. Stubborn as it may seem but the concept behind that is we individuals should have our own character no matter what. We are additions to any social group (e.g. companies, families, friends, groups) and our participation includes the very person that we are. Our uniqueness. . It would be lying to mold yourself to an idea that was just introduced in you Life. that being siad, yesterday I came across a column about 10 steps to Success and true enough- the first criteria is Attitude ;
ATTITUDE: Your attitude is the strongest (or weakest) aspect about you. It will determine your self-image and how well or poorly you do at everything. No more “I can’t”.
There you have it. As it is documented above, it is still imperative that one comes to terms with itself to determine how far or how short-lived one's destiny is. Though many would say that its the journey that's important - it is still important that you get somewhere. Somehow. It would be stupid to go on a trip and later on notice that haven't gotten anywhere really. Worst, to find out that you are back where you started.
The clutter that has clouded my mind somehow did that - turning me around in circles. Taking me for a spin and giving me an excruciating headache. Then I found myself questioning why I am where I am. I have been contemplating of quitting my job, pack my stuff and head back home and then reestablish myself. But then, when I thought about it, it wouldnt be a wise descision. While that may be convenient, it will be fatal for me as well. And then my second wind kicked in.
I am here for a thousand of reasons. I left a Life that failed me back home. A life that broke me and this was my chance to do it differently. I got my chance. Not many get second chances in life. The variables may be different, but Life goes on as they say. And thank God I found my marbles in time before I made another mistake of letting this chance go. And I was thankful that in my moment of silence, in my moment of solitude God made me see this. And that my friend, is the power of being Alone.
Alone. Indeed. But definitely not lonely. And definitely not done yet.
This isn't related to the song that has been, needless to say, been barraging every music stations and videoke bars all over the nation.
No.
This isn't related to the upcoming over-rated yet pathetically irrelevant event they call Valentines. ( duh?!! what gives with all the cherubs, roses and everything else?!!)
This is about Individuality. Too deep maybe, but the inspiration for this entry came about just couple of minutes ago when I found myself alone. Alone when I woke up, when I went to work, when I am at work and so on..
Then it hit me. The solitude of being, my thoughts going to places that I haven't been to in a while. Undisturb by company or idle talk. The beauty of it, the power of it. Brings chills to my skin just thinking about it. Now, I find myself smiling, almost snickering really.. Finding pleasure in my own little world.
I found myself unhappy for the past days. For the reasons that I can't even begin to enumerate. I have always thought that moving ahead meant something better. That going further elates the spirit. Well, I did move and went further, geographically speaking but still, found myself questioning " Is this it?".. yes, I 'm in a different location. Different environment. The challenge it brought back then was addicting, overwhelming even but when the adrenalin wore off - there wasn't much after.
I have always prided myself with the fact that I couldn't be boxed in. In any given situation. May that be in a job or a different point of view. I stand my ground no matter what. Stubborn as it may seem but the concept behind that is we individuals should have our own character no matter what. We are additions to any social group (e.g. companies, families, friends, groups) and our participation includes the very person that we are. Our uniqueness. . It would be lying to mold yourself to an idea that was just introduced in you Life. that being siad, yesterday I came across a column about 10 steps to Success and true enough- the first criteria is Attitude ;
ATTITUDE: Your attitude is the strongest (or weakest) aspect about you. It will determine your self-image and how well or poorly you do at everything. No more “I can’t”.
There you have it. As it is documented above, it is still imperative that one comes to terms with itself to determine how far or how short-lived one's destiny is. Though many would say that its the journey that's important - it is still important that you get somewhere. Somehow. It would be stupid to go on a trip and later on notice that haven't gotten anywhere really. Worst, to find out that you are back where you started.
The clutter that has clouded my mind somehow did that - turning me around in circles. Taking me for a spin and giving me an excruciating headache. Then I found myself questioning why I am where I am. I have been contemplating of quitting my job, pack my stuff and head back home and then reestablish myself. But then, when I thought about it, it wouldnt be a wise descision. While that may be convenient, it will be fatal for me as well. And then my second wind kicked in.
I am here for a thousand of reasons. I left a Life that failed me back home. A life that broke me and this was my chance to do it differently. I got my chance. Not many get second chances in life. The variables may be different, but Life goes on as they say. And thank God I found my marbles in time before I made another mistake of letting this chance go. And I was thankful that in my moment of silence, in my moment of solitude God made me see this. And that my friend, is the power of being Alone.
Alone. Indeed. But definitely not lonely. And definitely not done yet.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Bitch.. I Miss You..
It has been quite a while since I last saw you.
A long time since I heard you trully laugh.
From the pit of your gut, you laugh as if there was no tomorrow.
You laughed, till morning.. till tears falls from your eyes.
Tears of happines.. Of sillyness.. Of none-sense..
I miss your wicked tongue, how it would lash the truth
Like it were as normal as breathing.. As normal as living..
No holds barred, no qualms. Just the facts. As is.
How the tongue is merely an instrument used and victimized by something bigger
By how your mind can possess your mouth, spouting facts - tact or without..
I miss the intellectual high.. I miss being drunk with simple conversations
How time would fly so fast, and how the nights would simply disappear..
No limits to the mind, body and spirit - not feeling its humane shortcomings..
Its endless, euphorhic, consuming but warm and at home..
I miss the Bitch that is me..
To laugh because I want to, because I ought to, because I can.
To cry because I want to, because I ought to, because I can.
To be intense, over reacting, over bearing, crazy yet alive..
To feel something and everything, all at the same time.
To get crazy insane, because the mind needs to break free
From the routine, from what's average, from what's "here and now"..
I miss the Bitch that is me..
I have to find her.. She is me..
The Bitch in me is never satisfied.
The Bitch in me is never mediocre.
The Bitch in me is never simple.
The Bitch in me is never quiet.
The Bitch in me is never kind.
The Bitch in me is never gone.
A long time since I heard you trully laugh.
From the pit of your gut, you laugh as if there was no tomorrow.
You laughed, till morning.. till tears falls from your eyes.
Tears of happines.. Of sillyness.. Of none-sense..
I miss your wicked tongue, how it would lash the truth
Like it were as normal as breathing.. As normal as living..
No holds barred, no qualms. Just the facts. As is.
How the tongue is merely an instrument used and victimized by something bigger
By how your mind can possess your mouth, spouting facts - tact or without..
I miss the intellectual high.. I miss being drunk with simple conversations
How time would fly so fast, and how the nights would simply disappear..
No limits to the mind, body and spirit - not feeling its humane shortcomings..
Its endless, euphorhic, consuming but warm and at home..
I miss the Bitch that is me..
To laugh because I want to, because I ought to, because I can.
To cry because I want to, because I ought to, because I can.
To be intense, over reacting, over bearing, crazy yet alive..
To feel something and everything, all at the same time.
To get crazy insane, because the mind needs to break free
From the routine, from what's average, from what's "here and now"..
I miss the Bitch that is me..
I have to find her.. She is me..
The Bitch in me is never satisfied.
The Bitch in me is never mediocre.
The Bitch in me is never simple.
The Bitch in me is never quiet.
The Bitch in me is never kind.
The Bitch in me is never gone.
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