Conflicted

Been staring at the damn clock eversince I got to work. Trying to decide between my usual ritual her at work, meaning surfing or blogging, or dozing off.. Damn!!! Dammit to hell really!!! Am too tired and aching all over to even think straight..

I remebered when I was walking to work earlier ( the irony: twas 11pm and now its 3am- so what's "early"??) , thought came rushing to my head like waterfalls. The past weekend has been a whirlwind, relationship-wise. And as early as this week, thing are not shaping up as they should. Pretty disturbing that everything is just routine now. What's more disturbing is that I realize that we are more different than alike. I asked him earlier today if he likes me. He gave me that weird look, and thus I needed to explain myself that I know he loves me but does he LIKE me?? And he responded by saying some yes, some no..

The point of that question is simple. Not all people who love each other like each other. There are pressing differences that cannot be compromised or met half-way but somehow, we all learn to live with it. I dunno if its because of love per say or something else. I dont even know why it bothers me specifically when I know that I don't like him. I love him yes, but I dont necessarily like him. There are moments that he infuriates me. There are moments that I wanna walk out and walk-on. And there are times that he would make my heart melt, make me laugh and I can feel my anger dissipating into thin air. Seriously. At times, I beat myself in the head for tolerating him, like feeling stuck and feeling trapped. JEEEZ!!! Me?!! I do not feel trapped and stuck!!!! I just dont..

We're heading to our 4th month come this weekend. I dont know what to make of it really. There are variables that are clouding my head. Things that are there, although not visible- but they exist. Certain facts that cannot be and should not be denied. And as I've said- it is clouding my head.

(Yosi break)

I found myself missing my old friends. My old bestest friends. I have been missing them for awhile now. One has made the effort to connect or contact, whichever is grammatically correct. but I never knew what to make of it. I missed them for the sole fact that I know who I am when am with them. They never failed to remind me of what and who I am. And that's what kills me now. For this job, for this relationship - I have compromised so much of my self. Moving along measn getting along. well, I don't buy that crap. Really.

I know am not an easy woman to be with. Truth is, I intended it to be that way. I wanna filter through my partner, make sure that he has enough balls to withstand the worst of me. I don't do gifts or favors "test". That's lame really and I can get myself what I need for myself. I never made it easy for anyone really. I'm pleasant to a certain degree, but vicious for the most part. hey, I was raised that way really. Now I get myself to asking more often than convenient, is it really worth losing myself for this. Maybe I have grown old. Maybe I have grown tired of this shinanigan. A whole lot of maybe's..

I am blank. As of this very moment I am blank. Good thing that I do have some things going for me. For awhile it would be best to get along. For the meantime. When I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself. Along with is a wishful thinking that I DO figure it out sooner than later.

"There are two ways to lose yourself. It could be a day at a time, or all at once. In the end, the result is the same" - Dirty Sexy Money