Reconciliation

Regardless how exhausting the past week has been, including the ever emotional-crappy-shitty Valentine's day, I had to push my ass to get home to celebrate my Mom's bday..

Weird coz I have been stressing how this bday celebration should be. My mom isnt a big party person really, and bdays have alwasy been intimate in our family. But this year, I wanted it to be big. Not population-big, but special-big. You see, my mom and I have had a rough 2007-2008. Well, we've never been that close anywho at any level. I don't really have a relationship with my mother eversince. We never agree on things. Wherever she is, am sure sure to be at the exact, extreme opposite of it. But something about this year is different. Something bigger than me, and that is my Mama.

It's so weird because I find myself misting in the eyes. Im really crying in making this entry and its so weird. I'm not sad, dont get me wrong. I guess I was overwhelmed with gratitude, remembering the past two years that I had it rough. When I got horribly sick, twas my mother who rushed to my side. Twas my mother who juggled work and going to the hospital for me. twas my mother who looked after my kid when I decided to work. Twas my mother who had to bear looking at me everyday I'd go home drunk from all the depression I was going thru. Praying in silence that I get better, wishing that I find my direction. My mother would never speak to me in a scolding manner, coz she knows I'd retaliate with all my might. I know. I know. Its inconsiderate to be that way, but be that as it may- let's just say thats she's still my mother and I am still her daughter.

I feel bad when her students, who happens to be close friends of mine say that she's unappreciated by us. That we dont acknowledge her. Well, every family has its moment. Every family is dysfunctional in their own creative manner and I guess, this is our dynfunctionality. It hurts not because our laundry is out, but more of the fact that we can't seem to connect in what is pleasant or not. My brother and I have made all possible efforts to please her but she don't see it that way.. Till the point came that we stopped trying.

Last weekend was our celebration of her birthday, since it fell on a Tuesday and I can't make for it then. So I hustled to buy cake from the bacolod famous Calea, lugged it to the pier and all the way to Robinson's Iloilo- to buy ingredients for pasta. Funny thing is, I have never been this eager. Period. Debating between eating in or out, my brother and I - along with the weather being horrendous (twas rainy silly?!!) still couldn't make up our minds on what would be best.
We ended having steak dinner, and me cooking pasta the next day.. twas nice really, twas light and pleasant.. And rewarding in many ways I couldn't begin to explain.

I just wanna say thank you Ma, for the things that I've learned in your behalf. I have struggled to succeed wher you have failed. I believe that we should learn from each other, and I have in so many of ways. I thank you for being there, for everything. And just when you think you are unappreciated, remember that I wouldn't have fought Death itself if I knew deep down in my heart you'd be okay on your own.

Happy Birthday Mama.. Thank You for being my mother..