Babbu

I remember the first time I saw you. You were winking at me. Then reaching for you the nurse said I might get you "dirty". That was the first and last time I allowed anyone to take you away from me. From that very moment I decided to focus all my energy to protecting you, loving you and weathering any and all just for you. The very day you came was the very day I changed. And I didn't even realize how much.


I remember fondly how it all happened. It still feels like just yesterday I was giving you your first baby bath. I didn't realize a tiny little thing can scream so loud I was literally soaked in sweat. Or the day I fell asleep sitting down. And more.


Today is your 11th birthday and I wanted to tell you how me and your dad are grateful for having such a blessing like you. We were literally kids when we had you, and we had our bad times too. You are a blessing to two complete strangers who needed direction and sense of purpose. Daddy and I are not perfect, but we try to, for you because you deserve the best. We may have not made the best choices for you as grown-ups, but we did what we can to make it work as your parents. It doesn't mean though that what you have is any less, rather what you have is what you need for the Life that Daddy and I have laid out for you. It's not going to be easy Babbu, and I can only hope I'd still be alive to be there when you need me but even how great mommy is, that I can't even guarantee. Even how strong Daddy is, eventually you'll have to be on your own. My only prayer is that you remember how loved you are. How special you are to me and Daddy, and regardless what the world says remember that Mommy fought all odds and broke all of these social rules because you do not deserve to live in a world of ignorance. You do not fit the norms. You were never to fit the norms. You are different anak, and I can only apologize from the very bottom of my being that Life isn't going to get any easier from this point end. 


Your Life is between two worlds: the Philippines and the US. And in between these countries you hold two cultures and set of traditions. Two places abundant with resources and yes, you have these simply because you were born. This is what Mommy and Daddy agreed on, for you to have all that is the Philippines and US combined at your disposal so that you would have more than enough choices where you want to lead your Life to. I love you so much Babbu, and this is only what I can give for now. This is what I have so far. When you leave on July, as much as it pains me I know that is where you are suppose to be. That is where you are meant to be. Take with you my heart, and remember to keep it strong. Combine the compassion of the Filipinos with the resources of the US and you will never go wrong. 


Remember Babbu: Mommy and daddy will ALWAYS love you. You have done more for us than what we have given you. 


The day you were born was the very day I was given a new Life. Thank you Damon, and Happy happy birthday. 


I love you anak. 

Im Done..

They say that Hate is the equal opposite of Love..

I beg to differ.. The equal, if not extreme, opposite of Love is Indifference.. When you stopped caring..

When you stopped giving a damn..

When not caring is so much easier.. When not caring is so much peaceful.. When not caring gives you peace.. When not giving a damn makes you function better.. That's when Love doesnt exist anymore..

All the lies thrown back and forth.. Countless, numerous, unquantified amout of distress. Of misery and illogical exhange of wasted ideas.. Of dreams that were just that-- DREAMS..

It was never my intent to lose track. It was never my intent to go the opposite direction. Never at all to waste what I spent my time and energy with.. I dont like regret.. Never have, and never will..

I push boundaries, break barriers and oppose views head-on.. right or wrong, im up front and center.. Hate is a coward's easy way out.. To hate is to simply acknowledge that you lack the mental capacity to go beyond what is in front of you.. as one brilliant mind said " people hate what they don't understand.."

All has been said and done.. Even this post is soooooooooo 6 years ago.. IM DONE..

To all your destinations and new found horizon-- GOODLUCK and GODSPEED...
To all your endeavors, aspirations and new projects-- GOODLUCK and PROSPERITY...
To all your achievements, new found station in Life, new status -- GOODLUCK and GOOD RIDDANCE..

Coz that's all that I have for you.. regardless how Life goes-- whether up or down, good or bad, happiness or misery, triumph or defeat, success or failure.....

IM JUST DONE CARING..

Taking Chances

" what do you say to taking chances?.."
"what do you say to jumping off the edge?.."
"never knowing if there's solid ground below.."
"or hand to hold, or hell to pay.."

".. what do you say?.."

Saturation point. A very convenient excuse for just about anything. Reaching one's saturation point. Relationship. Family. Job...

Everything.

Pity me for underestimating the human spirit the way that i did. Me, especially. To underestimate what I have personally experienced. Human Spirit. The tenacity, the perseverance, the patience, the tolerance and the strength to push further. A nudge, a mile--doesn't really matter. It gets you there one way or another.

It always easy to say its okay. Its always easy to convince oneself that you can always go back, that everything will be okay as you left it. To squeeze out the goodness of the past, dwelling more on the good than the past part.. its still the past. Once one has taken the step to move forward, it becomes a new reality. A new chapter. It can't be changed. Regardless how one denies it. Regardless how one resents it or stops it.

I took my leap 2 years ago. With nothing to fall back on. I just left. because all i knew then, there was nothing worth staying for. It was over even before I realized it. the next logical step was to move forward. Costed me everything I had to take myself a nudge further, a mile further, a lifetime further. And now I see myself better, happier, whole. ME..

So what do I say??

Take a chance.. you'll never know where it takes you.. and how good it feels..

"and i had my heart beaten down, but i always come back for more.."
"there's nothing like love to pull you, when you're lying down on the floor.."

Because You Love Me

"For all those times you stood by me... For all the truth that you made me see... For all the joy you brought to my life.. For all the wrong that you made right..For every dream you made come true.. For all the love I found in you.. Am everything I am because you love me..""

You may feel unappreciated, I admit that there were times that I resented you. For being too strict, for not being there, for being to tough and distant. And at times I thought that you were being difficult and over-bearing. I was young and didn't know better, didn't understand better and did everything in my power to leave your side.

But you were there.. And I didn't see that. You brought me a dog, ironed my school uniform, cooked me breakfast, took me to the parlor to get my haircut. You were there to check if I was safe, sent me to school and did everything a super parent would. Even took me and Prince to the beach every weekend, watched movies and taught us all the principles that molded us to the person that we are now.

Although sending me to the best school, me and Prince, was not your idea -- the primary contention for you is that we didnt need to waste so much money on schools to have an excellent education. You've made it to a point that we learned what we can with what we have. With the people around us, the friends that we have, the experience that we have. It wasn't your intention to deter us from formal education, but it was more important to you that we learned from Life itself. To value what was important-- CHARACTER.. I would find notes on your paper, little gifts here and there, at times when you got so comical that me and brother would laugh our hearts out. Those things I missed. The times we would watch movies together, have siopao and eat out. Go around the city in our jeep, being together. That was my childhood, and those are the days that I would always go back to.

"You gave me wings to make me fly.. You touched my hand I could touch the sky.. I lost my faith, you gave it back to me. . You said no stars was out of reach.. You stood by me and I stood tall.. I have your love, I had it all.. Am everything I am because you love me.."

My life has never been about giving up. At most times that we had the luxuries we had then, you've always made it to point to remind us that nothing lasts forever. But the more important thing is the person you make of yourself. Without the glamour, without the riches, without the comforts and the privileges -- to still be whole even when these things aren't around nor available. having brought me up the way that you did made me stronger, more fierce and made me the dreamer that I am. Knowing that all my dreams will come true, knowing that you have never allowed me to quit NOT ONCE in my life. Not having your approval made me push myself harder and harder and harder, thinking that having your approval will make me happy. In the end though, you still managed to teach me the most important lesson : I've made something of myself. My struggles and pains have taken me further. me not getting your approval was never about you undermining me-- but you knowing that I had so much to give and so much to achieve.

"You were always there for me, the tender winds to carry me.. Light in the dark, shining your love into my life.. You've been my inspiration.. Through the lies, you were the truth.. My world is a better place because of you.."

I've not always been the typical daughter that you've wanted. And I know that I have given you more heartaches over the years with the every disappointment that I've given and done. And what's worst is that I don't know to fully repay you for the life that I have lived.. I love my life.. I love our family.. Regardless how crazy, dysfunctional and a lotta mess we are-- we are still a family.. My family.. It will always be you, mama, Prince and Me..

Today, more than ever I wanna tell the world that this crazy, insane, over-bearing, impossible, difficult woman has a reason why I am the way I am. I may have my own family now, but I will always be your daughter; over and above everything else..

I love you Pa, that will never change.. Happy Father's Day..

Its Been Awhile..

I've always loved that song by Staind. Its not really clear as to why but yeah, am more of a lyrics person. But hey, that isnt exactly why I wanted to blog again..

Couple of things I learned recently...

I have learned to slow things down. Usually, I am a speed demon. No more weird turns and no more non-sense. As its turns out, it was a bigger non-sense to speed things up. One tends to miss a lot of things. So noticeably, people who rush things usually tend to have a lot of questions. Like me, I'd beat myself up and wrack my brains as to why things were the way they we're. And I have endless questions that never seem to have any answers at all. Just breezing through the moment when it was available and not really giving it its much deserved attention. Am brutal, yes. That hasn't changed. Am direct, yes but not in haste manner. The destination is often more rewarding if the journey is well remembered.

The game no longer "gets" me. Before, I'd jump to every good thing or any "thing" that comes my way. Lately, I fully recognize trouble when I saw one. Yeah, yeah. when you're younger, there was a thrill that gets you going. Like an addict, hooked up and cant' seem to quit. But not anymore. I sincerely find myself losing patience.

Parang naka "auto save" lahat. Like the search bar in a computer. Once you've entered a particular keyword, it floods you with info that overwhelms you. Let's just say that with all the stupid, idiotic, moronic deeds I have done- everything went auto save na. My logic is that, before the "games" gives you this sense of adventure. Unexplored territory and thus, the human nature to probe and venture. Excited, adamant and thrilled. But with me and the plenty, crazy, insane "adventures" I have had - nothing excites me anymore. Even infatuation. It seems that one day I woke up and simply lost "it". I don't know what to call it really, but its just not there anymore. I dont believe in the "L" word anymore. For me, its so overrated. And I don't like it being said to me especially if I know that it isn't true. No more expectations. No more wishful thinking. No more "that"..

Sorry to be talking in riddles, am simply running as it goes thru my head. I may not have all the puzzle pieces together but I do know now what I trully want and don't want. Weird noh.. But its true...

Something came up and broke my line of thought... To be continued...

Rantings At 4pm

I just came off two days without work. Slept my way throught it. I should feel refreshed but contrary to that, I actually feel disturbed.

Emotions have been brewing inside and it escapes me how they came about. There were pivotal events that transpired last week but none too overwhelming. Tied some loose ends here and ther but other than that, twas a breeze really.

I have been bored out of my skull for the past weeks. Coincidentally, it has affected my performance at work quite well.. Doing very at work, I might emphasize but I am bored. I am amused really by the irony of things. Being the hypercritical that I am, I have concocted all impossible reasons as to why I am melancholic as a rock. Supposed separation anxieties? (higher self--WTF?!!!) Regrets (higher self-- Have you gone nuts?!@!!) and a long list of blah blah's..
Those were not it. It is way too convenient to blame things on events that has already happened, and even way too convenient to simply place blame period. Although I admit that there is a void in my heart, for reasons that escapes me, it is much to weird that I am this BORED!!!!

Is this it?? Have I reached my peak?? I dare say not.. There are way too much oppurtunities left undiscovered and mysteries left unsolved for me to say that this is it. Maybe these things are brought about by the fact that I have focused all my energy with work. To make sure that I take care of this job and make sure that I don't screw it up..

But I am longing for someone though.. codename: "JESUS"

nyahahahahahahahahahahha

back to work.

Life In Retrospect

Its almost a year now that I have severed ties with people that I have loved dearly. I do admit that in so many times in between I do still miss them terribly. Life was never the same without them. Without him. Yes, just one particular friend that was closest to my heart. Hearing his voice, our song still gives me tears as I look back and remember how once upon a time- Life was perfect being together.

Sometimes I catch myself drifting and bitching about the Life that I have today. My humanity getting the best of me. I wanted the fun nights, the endless laughter. the endless coffees and beers we had back then. Witty banters, endless conversations-- those were amazing. But just like evrything else, clean fun turned into a disaster in magnanimous proportions.

It was suddenly all fun, just fun. Empty happiness in each otehr's company. Our friendship lost its essence. Friendship turned into companionship, and till came a point that we no longer knew which direction we were taking. I remember being drunk all the time. being sad most of the time. And worst, I was feeling empty all the time. I couldn't save myself then. I was so lost. I was so broken. I was so empty. regardles of what I do, even when I find myself laughing -- it was still painful inside. I would drink myself to sleep, and would refuse to wake up knowing that I didnt really have anything to look forward to. And I thought, that was suppose to be fun, but how come I feel so lonely??? So alone..

Looking back at those times, those nights I know that I'd rather be here than back there. I'd rather be bitching about my the little what-not's that my work brings but hey, I know that me finding my direction led to be where exactly I should be right now. It may not be as exciting. It may not be as crazy. It may not be the same as it was.. Truth is, that's the whole point altogether.

So yeah, I miss those times. I still look back at my friends. peek through their profiles here and there. Couldn't help it really. Missing them is my only defense. But like all great memories, they do deserved to be remembered..

Now.. Back to work..